Today.

I went outside today to let the sunshine play. across my lonely face to find some kind of grace. but the sun was happy, and happy I cannot be. I don’t know how to be without you here with me. So I went inside today, to let the darkness play inside my lonely heart to hide myself away. but if I run and hide, you cannot run to my side. in darkness I will not find, the thing to ease my mind, the thing to calm my fears, the thing to dry my tears, the thing I’ve longed for years for what my empty heart yearns.

so I sat down today for my imagination to play. with the shallow things I say, hoping they bring you to me someday. but the words they were empty. they aren’t enough to see, how much I need you to be. in this life with me, i ran out of things to do today. I had nothing left with to play but to hope and to pray, to have you all by myself again someday.

I've got an urge to be thankful for life. it's all the rage this time of year yet it seems as though i have an expiration date looming trying to sell myself off before i go bad. take me off the shelf & put me in your pocketbook romance. let's take off & forget the smell of this town. runaways with too much insecurities & way too naive about life itself. i've got an addiction to needing a companion on every great adventure. block me and turn me off, it's just adds to the ispiration to make myself better. you can't forget my words as easily as i could yours. everything that means something to me is made up in my head and you're just a part in this game i play to occupy myself while i don't sleep at night.

i'm looking down & looking out for disaster. a onetime bankrupcy in the hearts of millions i assume? as addictive as a drugs, i'd snort this feeling up my nose so it'd go straight to my brain feeling the rush of living in the moment & dying in your veins just to turn off the feeling of helplessness i have about myself. maybe someday everything won't seem as pointless as it does on tv. i'm seeing the light at the end of it & i think its time to have someone to get me through this.

my 3hour rant.

I'm not here to claim or collect. im not here to criticize or correct but with all due respect, i'd rather take the risk of these so called side effects.

such promises;
"How To Be A Better You!"
"Live The Life of Your Dreams-Now!"
"How To Win Your Friends Over!"
since when was this a game?

idealism;
"Purity For The Young Woman"
"Devotions for Resisting Temptation"
it's too bad temptation is a tantalizing game that i love to play.

& the prophecies;
"The Beginning Of The End"
"The Fury Of Armageddon"
resound & regurgitate from the bindings of such writings.

their words dripping & diminishing underneath the magnifying glass of a reality that offers more than meets the eye. there is more value to desire, dishonesty, gluttony, indulgence & envy than what's visible to the eye. you gotta get down real deep into your sin. you've got to dig through it. you've got to really get messy in it. you've got to throw your hands up confessing you're in over your head. i find greater value in the stars, sin, and sex than any threat on my existence eternity this, eternity that sneering from billboards & elevators & pamphlets.

salvation came to me on horseback. an archer from a distant land. he aims his arrows at the sun. his knowledge comes with no demands. these promises; are empty to me. idealism; makes no sense to me. prophecies; make good bedtime stories to give your children nightmares. but maybe i was never scared. maybe i was fascinated. maybe i wished the world would end. right here, right now, this second & watch my body dissipatewith a simple trumpet call.

maybe i wanted to see the locusts. maybe i wanted to feel the earth shake me to my feet. maybe i wanted the adventure, the adrenaline & the aftershock. now I just read the newspaper and drink coffee while pondering the deeper meaning of all this. with all due respect, I don't think I should stay much longer.

i'm not feeling me right now. sunrise feels strange when I’m not waking to it, when twilight was ten hours ago or more and time blurs together, diluting the moment where night becomes day, like i’m bent over at an awkward angle twisting upward to look at the sky; the sun’s not revolving, it’s bobbing methodically like a giant cosmic yo-yo.

i'm so pissed right now & i can't believe i'm writing this at 4am. i wish i could kill my cousin right about now cause he go all 'ana, nanti nk pakai laptop jap', and his bloody 'sekejap' took more than a fugging 3hr & i dont mind if it was in the afternoon or whatever but dang, he made me wait till 4am while he go all sweet & honey-bunny-chocolate-cuppy talking to his soon to be wife on the phone and go all mother fugging flirty & horny-steamy-mama-squeeze-me with the whores on tagged.com and some utterly disgusted bitches on some utterly stupid malay websites at the same time. wtf man. WTFWTFWTF.

lime sonic bang was fuggin awesome *hinthint*
graduation night was bullshit. pics up sooon.
& happy birthday to leroy,goofy,ally,peifang!
& etc etc.

first & formost, happy 18th birthday to dearest izza. we had our own celebration over at pizza hut. the bill add up to prolly $153. I personally love the surprises after our meal, light dimmed plus birthday song on the stereo in the restaurant itself. not only does the bday girl but even us was surprise .it was the perfect night and i truly did enjoyed myself. a big thanks for fazli who made this happen. i'll post the all-so-special video soon. =D

the afiq's

best part, the multi shot!







both the afiq, last warning. =/

i've big eyes. haha.